So as we are nearing the end of the year, I'm feeling as though every year that ends, it just seems to be the worst year in my life. Trying to look at the positive here, I have a partner for the magazine, my business is flourishing, not money wise but in the way that more and more people are getting involved and I like that. People are starting to know who Kink~E Magazine is and how we all want to make a difference in community life. More ideas are flowing for me. However, job life being as cushy as it is (considering I walk to work) I'm certainly not making enough money to survive. So I sit here with half of a migraine for the past two days, I struggle with what takes precedence on what should be paid, this includes rent of course. Unfortunately, this hasn't been a good situation since I've been in housing court all summer long first fighting with one owner, who sells the building and now fighting with the new owners. Of course this is not just me paying rent but finding out that we live in a building infested with mold and other problems like my new neighbors that moved in earlier this year, has been one fiasco after another. I don't say anything only because I hear what that guy does to that girl and since she seems to like the abuse I will leave my face out of it, thank you very much.

There's just a lot of issues going on with other tenants I wish not to be a part of. And even with all of these problems, the migraine that I have had since Monday, is not helping me keep the faith at all. I'm really trying but when I think about the little bit of money that's coming in, it just makes me wonder is this all worth it.

The sad thing is I cannot live with my parents as my father's hypochondria behavior makes him believe he's allergic to everything on the planet including my dogs. So that option is out. I really need for some kind of miracle to happen and my rotten luck has not been letting any good luck in at all.

I've tried the roommate thing but I had the displeasure of throwing him out a week into him living there, after I found out he was using drugs and he didn't have a job. Mind you he came in "referred" from someone that I knew for about a year who claimed she was helping student exchange students find rooms for them. "Well obviously", this was not an exchange or a student for that matter. Just a fat asshole who's a drug addict, looking to park his sweaty ass in someone's apartment so that he can use his drugs. It was a total nightmare, trust me when I tell you. I was not a happy person at all and the fuck head bitch that put him in my apartment, I'm done with her too. Even after arguing with her, in her mind she thought we were still friends. I'm not sure where she got that idea from. Usually when someone tries to screw me over, I don't keep a friendship with that person. So I hope she goes away to a deep hole in hell. The woman is a scam artist and her sole goal was to get me to leave my apartment so she can take it over and then she was calling the new management office. It's funny I don't think she has ever had her ass handed to her as the way I did when all of this shit was going on.

Anyway, as I veer off the topic and talk shit about people who are already shit...here I am in this place in my life where I don't know what the fuck is going to happen to me and I'm pretty tired of it. I'm tired of people stealing my ideas and running with them like they invented something original an then fuck it up for everyone else. Yes early this year I have learned to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things that I'm doing but I wish right now they were all established and not all over the place like my whole entire life seems to be.

When I close my eyes I see my vision clearly but when I open my eyes before is a mess of problems and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of fighting with the landlord, I'm tired of my parties not happening, I'm tired of being fucking broke. I'm just fucking tired. I'm at a total loss.

Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
MB~

Seems when I'm in a relationship, I have a lot to say, since my break up with Mountain Man, I have truly immersed myself in my work and in school.

First I need to say that soon I will not be blogging on here anymore. I've been building marabelleblue.com and I will be moving my whole entire diary on there. I'm a little annoyed with bravenet as I didn't realize that a message board I incorporated onto my magazine site, they informed me that I violated their terms of service due to the fact their advertisers do not want to be advertised on adult sites.

It kills me every time when I hear shit like that. Do people honestly think that someone spends their time all day on Glamour magazine website, get the fuck over it. Needless to say now that I'm not paying for my diary services, I see no need to keep this on here, especially since I'm building something better and will be all inclusive, so I'm looking forward to that or maybe I will start blogging on blogger.com which is not bad either.

So tonight I had my first radio show with my partner. Let me rewind. Recently I acquired a partner for Kink~E Magazine. I have found since it's redesign I can no longer handle the magazine alone. It has come a long way. I have a toy hosting rep, people writing for me and now a partner. It's incredible how things just turn out.

I know there's drama behind the scenes from where my partner came from. Apparently his previous "employer" is complaining and making comments about my site but I'm not worried. If you have a love for fetish and YOU ARE fetish, you wouldn't have anything to worry about. But when you're not fetish and trying to run a fetish magazine for some reason is never turns out, it's like being a poser, so technically not my problem.

This is not the only good thing going on. In making friends with someone that was burned by the same bitch as I, our friendship has been built with much mutual respect for one another and our business. As a result of us working together, she was invited by Michael Lohan to take pictures at his house this past weekend...her invited guest, me! Yeah I was at Michael Lohan's house, Lindsey Lohan's father. Maybe in another life I would have been completely intimidated, I didn't feel that way at all. I learned a long time a that money does not make a person, it doesn't buy them a personality nor class and believe me when I tell you there were some pretty classless girls there, but for the majority of others, they were pretty cool and I made new contacts that I'm looking forward to flourish in the future.

I've learned in business and now in college and taking business management as my major that you have to be persistent and consistent and most importantly KIND. Screwing people over, gets you no where, being a wanna be doesn't work either. You have to love what you're doing.

In the next couple of weeks I'm opening up a yoga studio and I'm looking forward to having something I can call my own, plus raising the money for my actual spa. I'm getting help from an agency but in order for me to do anything, I have to have some kind of percentage down, like being a house, you can't just walk anywhere and get a loan. The good thing about this organization is that they can help me put my business proposal together which I gotta submit that paper work pronto!

I also started a new magazine. So a yoga studio, a new magazine, my current magazine with a new partner, fetish events coming up, how can I keep up? So far I am and I'm loving all of this.

Life has been difficult, I will say that. My income is small but I'm surviving and hoping I don't get thrown out. I can say since being let go from my job and I'm sure I've said this a hundred times, that being let go has been the best thing that has happened in my life. Every day I feel free and the freedom to be creative and to be me.

Last night my parents took me out to dinner and my mom brings up a teacher I had in the fourth grade, her name was Mrs. Taub a cunt jew bitch (not all jews are cunts FYI) but I need to throw that in there, just so people can understand what a cunt this teacher was. While I'm sure I would gain pleasure pissing on her grave, my mom shared with me that she used to tell her that beauty was in the eye of the beholder and how long did my mom think that was going to last. How funny that is, that even then as a child I have endured the defect of characters of others with their jealousy and insecurity and for that act, it only reaffirms that everything I'm doing in my life right now, is what I meant to do. I'm a writer, and I love expressing myself with words. Yes, you can never take them back and once they are written and given to the Universe to share you can never take it back like the "cunt jew bitch" comment....so I won't be the first or the last to say something like that and if you think I'm a racist because of it, good for you too. Think what the fuck you want, I've come a long way, and I'm not the woman I used to be or even the shy girl growing up, following my friends, and not expressing my own opinion or ideas.

So it's 1:38 am, my dogs are sleeping, oh yeah did I mentioned that Lady gave birth to a puppy almost six months ago. He's adorable and a very active puppy. Almost takes away the hole in my heart from Pandora's death, even though I still cry, my special and favorite cat is sorely missed.

Well a bowl of Lucky Charms await.

Oh did you want to read about relationships? LOL there is none. I posted on my facebook profile that I'm in a relationship, it keeps the sceevy men away like one email I got today titled "just being friendly" and I get the hoopla of I'm not here to hit on you, just to make new friends and chat, I'm tired of the phonies, blah blah blah. And it's ALWAYS from a guy that I have ZERO interest in and ALWAYS not my type and even if it was a Caucasian guy, it's normally someone fat, sloppy and sweaty or some ZZ Top looking mother fucker that you can't even see what his face looks like in all that beard. LOL

I just can't deal anymore. After the whole episode with Mountain Man, I pretty much nipped all relationships in the bud. I've learned a long time ago, if a man comes with drama from all angles in his life, then he has no business being in my life.

And with that...

Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
MB~

It's been a rough time here in Marabelle Blue land...but there are also good times to report in.

Let's start with the good stuff. Things have been picking up with my magazine. I started a music section and have been hanging out with a new set of people that make me feel good about what I'm doing and with myself. Not only that but the fact that I'm getting out more is a good feeling.  About a week ago we took a trip to Atlantic City to meet up with Jim Gillette and Lita Ford. It was the I Wanna Rock Tour. It was pretty good. It was nice to hear good old eighties music that I enjoyed once upon a time and Lita Ford looked great!

We had fun getting there and by the time it was going back home I had never been so tired in my life. I left my dogs with my mom, I didn't feel right about leaving Sebastian in his cage, he would have been locked up all day because I didn't get back home, until 7 am the next day.

For the most part, I laughed a lot. Belly laughs that I thought I was going to pee on myself. My new friend Derek who will be working with me on my up coming project were cracking up at the jokes on the band members we were hanging out with was making. It really felt good to laugh like that again. The last time I did laugh like that was when I was with Mountain Man.

So with everything good happening with the magazine and the projects I'm focusing on, I did make contact with Mountain Man, only to get my keys back. As I wasn't sure if he was reading his personal emails from me, so I sent him at his work address. Surprisingly, he responded. I gave him the option to drop it off with me after my class was over or to mail it, of course he chose the option to mail it and he did. I didn't expect a note and there wasn't a note when I got the envelope. Just a pair of keys clipped on to a paper clip. I don't know how I can describe what I felt, it wasn't hurt it was more disappointment because nothing had changed with him and that bothered me. Since I thought we shared something special, it felt as though, here are the keys you asked for. I remember one time the keys being such a significance in our relationship. One time in an argument or whatever was going on, he kept asking me where were my keys and at first I didn't get it and then I did. His point was that he wasn't leaving because he had the keys so he would always be a part of my life. And then now it was taken away. He didn't even put up a fight...nothing. Just like the psychic said about it. He won't fight for you, he will just leave it alone. That's about the only thing she got right in that session because everything else she said was shit. I've seen some recent pics of Mountain Man on his little mountain trips with his son and he looks like shit. So perhaps he was right in not dropping off the keys in person...after all he looks like shit because he is with shit and perhaps it was meant to be just the way it is right now. Shit stays with shit and I'm free from shit.

Anyway I'm getting tired of writing. I've been doing a lot of work today and I'm a guest on a radio show tomorrow that I want to feel refreshed for.

I'll write more sometime soon.

Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
MB~

April was probably the worst month of my history of living. I lost my one and only special cat Pandora, who was the matriarch of my clan of animals the day my brother put his beloved dog down, coincidentally my sister's dog passed that same night. Suffering with the flu this week didn't make it any better and now that I'm finally starting to feel better, my allergies have now begun.

I would rather deal with that then all the deaths that have been around me. There's not a day that goes by that I wished I would have taken a different route with Pandora, that I should have sought out a second opinion and not just believe in what one vet said. And then to go back to the same vet for my dog's first shots and he's a cold fish about my cat and the whole situation, exclaiming that since I took her to another vet that he was out of the whole thing. Excuse me? Um he killed my cat by constituting her vomiting as nothing but merely old age or change her diet...how the fuck I was supposed to know that possibly she was developing a tumor or something far less worse that could have been resolved!

These are my daily thoughts coupled with everything else in my life. Still trying to find a way to make things happen for me, I'm finally working on an event that I believe will put my magazine on the map. Finally I found my niche in how I can make my magazine bigger and help the earth at the same time. What I always wanted to do. I can only strive to make things happen from hereon in and not just hope and pray, because I've noticed a lot of people hope and pray but where is the strive and the action to make it all happen?

I hate being sick because of it, it takes away everything I need to get done and of course I'm behind. Behind in my work, in homework, anxious for the semester to finally end and move along with my courses. As a matter of fact I should be blogging my home work now but I'm going to be late. My head's still fuzzy from being sick and I just finished cleaning my apt and feeding my crew here. I just want to feel straight and not light headed or sick. The only benefit I've gotten from being sick is not being able to eat for the past couple of days and quite honestly I don't miss it. Now that the good weather is here, the only thing that salvaging me from hiding my weight gain (till I'm strong enough to get on my treadmill) are my dress collection. Until I feel better probably my best bet is not get on the treadmill just yet.

Well I'm going to do my homework so I can at least get outside and enjoy this nice weather we are having before I sit down and get some much needed work done on my site.

So let me get some shit done. As always I feel better after blogging...at least just a little bit better.

Until then.

Loves and Hugs,
MB~

It's amazing how my life is today. It's been two week since Pandora's passing on the 7th. My life has not been the same. I miss her greatly. She was the best cat in the world, a owner like myself, I was blessed to have her in my life. My cat Hayleen has not been the same without her. That was her buddy so in retrospect, I can relate to what my cat is feeling, as I do with Mountain Man every now and then. The pain is not has intense, kind of a dull feeling but nevertheless, I do miss him.

But in the same breath, I can't stand him for his lack of empathy and stupidity of choices. I think to myself, does he not think in his mind about anything with us, what we had. It sure was not a fake, at least not for me. And it's funny how at any time the way he knows his life now can change at any given moment.  A picture, a voicemail, a note, any of those things that can destroy what he has and yes I have the power to do it.

However, there is that other side of me, the other side that acknowledges the Karma that I may experience should I decide to expose everything we had. Part of me doesn't really care of the ramifications, and when I think to myself, well if I do say something certainly, experience has shown that when a man is exposed of his "wrong doings", he's usually the one out of the house. He can't stay here...because then I would have gained in him the way that I am not interested in gaining or winning for that matter. If I wanted Mountain Man to come back to me, I would want him to come to me on his own, through his own conscious and not by me exposing our relationship to that thing he is with.

Lately I have been feeling as though I'm ready to venture out to a new relationship but then again, I don't know. To share my life with someone is so sacred to me. I feel that so much time has been wasted with my fear of the unknown...to have a child, to be married, to have taken a chance on my magazine a long time before now. Perhaps it should be this way, I don't know.

What I do know is this...since being booted out of my job, my life has never been better. A true 180, other than weight gain, which I'm actually working on, I have zero stress about having to deal with stupid people and not having to subject myself to people with big egos and zero intelligence.

I guess I miss my Mountain Man. I miss my cat Pandora. Sebastian (Lady's little son) has given us a new dynamic in our lives. The grief I feel for Pandora when I think of her favorite songs I used to sing to her and that special meow she used to bellow back at me goes away a little bit when I see that puppy wake up or when he sits there and stares at me, or when he's playing with his Mommy. He has the cutest face.

I have never been good with endings, at least for some things in my life, especially people or events that have such a significance for me.

Well those are my thoughts for today. I need to get some serious sleep.

Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
MB~

I didn't think I would take her death this hard. I knew Tuesday night she wasn't going to last very long. She never had shortness of breath, but she couldn't walk anymore and she wasn't eating. It was that one day. I said to myself if she lasted like this more than two days I would put her down but the other part of me knew I wouldn't even have to go that far.

A neighbor ran into me Tuesday night while I was on hold with the vet to let him know that she took a turn for the worse. By now I was dealing with a different vet because I didn't feel the one that I take all my animals to didn't care enough. Funny though he was able to save one of my cats from diabetes but Pandora...I don't know. Maybe he doesn't like black cats. I didn't think anything of it when she started vomiting last year and even then he said it may not be a big deal. Maybe a different vet would have said lets do an ultra sound and found the problem and maybe would have fixed it. Could there have been a chance for her...I don't know. I will never know.

But Wednesday she was here and she was resting. I prompt her up with some blankets and I played her favorite songs and I sang to her and all the cats said their goodbyes. I laid on the floor with her to let her know that I was there for her and when I told her it was okay for her to go...she did. I saw her take her two last breaths and when she took the last one her head just dropped. No more life. No more Pandora.

I am so sad and angry at the same time. The dynamic here in my home is so empty. Like something is missing. Pandora was such a strong presence. I can't believe that she's gone. But then the Universe allows someone like The Mask to still breathe here.

Yeah I said it, who cares...I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks to be quite honest...never did and never will. I think anyone who's evil and malicious doesn't deserve to live. Period the end! And then people go running to church talking about God, what God????

Fill me in.

It was never in my vocabulary on what it would be like to live the rest of my life without the first black cat I ever had. Raianne my other black cat is what I call "the love of my life" but Pandora is the favorite. She taught all the other cats I have how to be cats, how to fight and how to love. She is the surrogate mommy. After a month of trying to figure out what caused the sudden weight loss, yesterday I was the one at the vet that no one wants to be. The one that gets the bad news that your animal is dying and there's nothing you can do. I was the one who sat there and cried while strangers approached me to comfort me as they looked into Pandora's big green eyes.

Her name was given by my ex-boyfriend. I didn't like it at first but after some days had gone by, she became Pandora. And then, the pet owner that I am, the little songs I made up for her, followed along. And the songs I sang to her made her special meows bellow along with me. One of her favorites is from the Evita songbook "You Must Love Me". I guess it fits right in with what's happening to her now. A cancer that seems to win and doesn't only take away loving human beings like my friend J who's lover and partner for more than ten years lost her battle to lung cancer, yes animals too suffer the same pain.

Today as I try to celebrate the birthdays of Aries, Arial and Hayleen, and looking into their shiny little eyes, I know that one day I will feel this same pain. Because animals can't tell you something's wrong until it's too late and even then they still have a pride among themselves that they will let you know it's time to let go.

This pain brings me back to the time when my boyfriend was alive and at the time he wasn't doing so well either. There was a documentary on television about a rhino that these people had rescued. Needless to say the rhino seemed to be doing really well until one day it wasn't. And at the end, its legs were shaking so much it couldn't even stand on its own. I remember I couldn't tell the story to a friend of mine the next day, I was beside myself. Even thinking about it now, I can't even tell the story without crying because I related so much to the decision those people had to make with that rhino. Of course I wasn't going to put my boyfriend to sleep but it wasn't long after that he did die, January 10th, 1993.

And yes it still hurts.

Having to anticipate that Pandora won't be around too much longer is too painful for me to bear. I have not stopped crying since I've left the vet and my eyes...well lets just say that taking photos is not a good idea.

And in all of this that's happening I'm trying to enjoy my dog, Lady's legacy, little Sebastian. A little puppy experiencing a new life and it's hard being joyful and sad at the same time. In one room Pandora sits sleeping and in the other here is this puppy running around and playing with the other cats.  My ex suggested that I not put her to sleep, however, I'm starting to feel differently. I'm not putting her to sleep anytime soon, but if she starts to get worse once the meds stopped working (according to what the vet told me yesterday), perhaps she will go with her favorite song playing in the background.

Gosh I just put Gracie down a few months ago now Pandora. I'm not like this year at all. Too many tears have been shed in such a short time. This is still March.

I guess Pandora has bigger plans for me, her work is almost done here and wherever she goes, she will always be in my heart. For now I still have her and I can kiss her as much as I want until I can't anymore.

Until then,
MB~

Lately some things have been bothering me. Things that I feel that are beyond my control but should have control, only because of where my financial status is right now sucks.

My cat Pandora has taken ill and I'm not sure why. I've taken her to the vet and her blood report shows up spotless, however after losing half of her body weight there has to be more going on. As I'm joyful of the new puppy that Lady gave birth to last month,  I can't help but feel that perhaps Pandora lack of appetite may be jealousy of something new in my home.

Which now leads to "my home". My apartment that I enjoy living is now being threaten while I'm in housing court with my landlord. Not fun feeling as though I don't have a case...which I do, but of course it's a matter of hoping that it falls in my favor.

With everything happening on a positive note my magazine is becoming succesful. Everything that I have ever dreamed of with Kink~E Magazine is finally happening and inside this makes me very happy. The radio show is slowly becoming a hit and I realize the better, more popular people you have the more people will tune in a listen. When I think about my magazine now, I feel that nothing is impossible for as long as I have people that are just as committed to it as I am. I had to make some organizational changes recently but it's all for the good of the magazine and even though this was something I really didn't want to do personally, I find that what I feel personally has nothing to do with business and what had to be done, was taken care of. Thankfully the other party was in agreement. I was getting pretty tired of dealing with those that were running with my ideas and then turning around and accusing me that I was stealing from them. Which I find pretty funny that this one individual that I was dealing with last year, commend himself to be that smart to think I would steal from him. Shaking my head...LOL

Needless to say with this wonderful thing that I have created and it's growing every day, it doesn't seem to over power how I feel inside, about myself, the weight that I've gained and how soon it will be all off. Yeah...that's pretty serious. I'm a small person so anything that's like over twenty pounds on me, not good at all health wise. I find myself more tired, not apt to get up at quickly, my back hurts (thanks to the stomach that hangs over me). I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Not feeling good about myself at all. My clothes don't fit and this week I had an interview and it's annoying to sit there and feel like not even the girdle I'm wearing is enough to hide any uncomfortable feeling within myself. It's not cute at all.

I feel more sad than happy and it seems to reflect in what I wear. I don't want to go out anywhere because my clothes don't feel right, and I don't feel right within myself.

Just recently I was watching somewhere that some woman wants to gain one thousand pounds. This woman has to be out of her fucking mind. My stomach may not protrude as large as hers but at times when I do look in the mirror I feel like how that woman looks.

I'm sure anyone reading this is probably envisioning a baby calf and when they see me up close it's the total opposite. Yes it is the reflection of me, how this weight gain makes me feel.

Coupled with that is my rent situation and hope that everything fairs in my favor. I fight back my anger with not trying to blame others, like my ex-boss who through me under the bus, or my attitude towards my job, how I felt being there, trapped!  You know I believe that there are some of us that have wings and we are made to fly and make our dreams come true. I believe I am that person, born with those special wings to make things happen.

During this time of overwhelming sadness for no one clear apparent reason, I'm holding on to everything that I have. I'm holding on to the faith that this dark place is going to leave me sooner rather than later. I have to believe because it's all I have right now.

Well the water works are here and my dog has come to comfort me. Such a good dog, there she goes wiping away my tears.

Until then.
MB

Since I was sitting her for the last half hour playing Farmville on Facebook and I had the moment to goof off, I figured, why not blog. It's been a minute since the last entry and I had to run because my dog and her puppy were requiring my attention. BTW they are doing great.

Things have not been so happy in Marabelle Blue land. Other than the fact that Kink~E Magazine is gaining notoriety, for now that's all it's really doing and the money side to that, not so well. As a result I have consulted with someone that I've known for many, many years. I can safely say that this person probably knows me better than I know myself. Having this person in my corner gives me some hope that things will turn around.  With this sacrifice I made some changes on my site. With some feedback I was able to make it better and I'm happy with the changes.

Because of my financial problems...my wonderful landlord has taken me to court. The funny thing is by the time I got to court they finally fixed the "balance" they were claiming I owed them which I found totally bizarre considering that not only were they accepting my payments as I was sending them, they didn't bother cashing the checks on time, so my "balance" looked bigger than what I thought it was. How convenient that was fixed the day of court. My case has been adjourned. Of course having this problem has now led me to a place I have not seen in seventeen years....Welfare. Not a great place but a good thing when you need a one shot deal, the thing that now you have to pay back, where once upon a time you didn't.

Last week while I was sitting with this women while she stored my information in her handy computer, she asked me something that recollected a memory of Mountain Man. She asked me when was my last day of work. Even though the date was different from the date I was told I can leave, it led me back to that day. The day I had to tell him I wasn't going to be working there anymore. We were on opposite sides until that day. All the anger I had towards him left me and here we were, crying our eyes out that day because we both knew that our every day habits, getting breakfast, having lunch, taking a break will be no more and it was in that instantaneous moment that I wanted to break down and cry. It took everything in me not to cry and I didn't. But I wanted to. I had to think about something else quickly, so I peeked into a magazine I had in my bag just to get those thoughts of us, together, his eyes and his scent, the way his hair fell to his face, his sweet kisses.

The fact of the matter is I can't forget. Everything about him is burned in my brain. I think to myself, I don't recall ever having these type of intense feelings for someone and how much it sucks that every day that goes by I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder how his day went at work, was he treated fairly, what did he do over the weekend, which mountain did he climb. Did he take his son with him and what adventures did they share together.

Yes. There is that small part of me that thinks it's better this way. When I think of when I came back from my West Coast nightmare trip and I called him from the airport and he put up this wall about us, and how he was avoiding me or avoiding the question, the time before I left, how he was behaving before I got on the plane. It wasn't bad enough that my ex-boss had this morbid conversation with me about "think about my job while I'm on vacation", but to be treated like I almost didn't exist by someone that I put my whole trust in.

I wonder if I will ever meet someone. How conformed my life is right now. Not having the fortune of sharing my life with someone, namely him. How would things be if he was the one walking in my door home from work, what would we talk about, what parties would be going to. A whole new life to experience, easier said than done.

I even wonder if he still reads my blog.

Since February my life has been all rain and no sunshine.

I don't know if stress is related to this, so Friday here was not wanting to cry, couldn't wait to get home and take off my clothes, take a hot shower and lay in bed, (which is what I did eventually). I was expecting my nephew the next day to babysit him. Didn't even notice until later that morning and look in the mirror what is that in my eye? What is that red spot? Yep, a busted vein. It's spreading, it doesn't hurt but it looks like it's going away.

Maybe I should have cried. I don't know. I still have issues with letting go of such emotions to just sit and cry, if that is what I must do. Maybe next time.

I know it's going to get better, it always does. I know one day I'll find myself smiling, hopefully because I'll have an event that's successful but as for falling in love, relationships....I don't know anymore. I pretty much have given up on the whole love thing. It was nice while I had it and I guess I should be just grateful for that.

Until then.
Loves and Hugs,
MB~